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Thousands of families suffer in silence from the loss of a pregnancy or an infant. My struggle is just beginning. I carried twins to term knowing that only one would survive. This is the story of my journey through shock, devastation, grief, anger, and hopefully someday acceptance. I know that other families are desperate to know that they are not suffering alone. This is for them.

Friday, February 3, 2012

How Will I Survive Tomorrow?

Tomorrow is Spyder's funeral. He will be laid to rest next to her Great-grandpa and Great-grandma Deering. I truly don't know how I will survive the day. I have thought about it for four months now, played it over and over in my head. But now it is here - his obituary is in black and white.

Everything is in place. We even had Spyder's casket painted by a local artist to personalize it. James Sewell, who owns OriginalWildlifePaintings.com, decorated the casket with a blue spider, a red poppy, and, of course, a blue butterfly. It even says Spyder's name in the top web and Mommy and Daddy in the bottom web. The image symbolizes that Spyder will always keep us together as a family. It is the least that we can do for a baby so special to us.

Our gift to Spyder is a beautifully painted casket.

I feel like I need to put something special in Spyder's casket, but I still haven't thought of the perfect thing. Everyone else knows what they are putting in. Why can't I decide? I suppose I am just trying too hard - I want it to be the exact right thing. I am just confused as to why that "thing" isn't apparent to me.

Regardless of what I put or don't put with him, he will be gone. I know he is already lost, but there is such permanence to a funeral. I'll never again see his little hands or his little feet or that adorably big head of his. I miss him so much already. How much worse will I feel tomorrow?


  1. Your daughter will help you get through it. Immerse yourself in your love for her and your love for him will never fade. He will never be forgotten and it will never be easy, but eventually it will get a little easier each day and you will learn to function. Love and prayers of all parents are with you in your hour of need. The love of a child is something that binds us all together.

  2. Lindsay, I am praying for you and your family. I know there isn't a perfect thing to say so I just want you to know that. <3