Welcome to the Blue Butterfly Blog

Thousands of families suffer in silence from the loss of a pregnancy or an infant. My struggle is just beginning. I carried twins to term knowing that only one would survive. This is the story of my journey through shock, devastation, grief, anger, and hopefully someday acceptance. I know that other families are desperate to know that they are not suffering alone. This is for them.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Happy Birthday!

When they wheeled me into Labor & Delivery almost exactly one week ago, I knew this was the real thing. The doctors and nurses tried everything they could to stop the labor again, but by Monday at 5pm, my water broke. Thankfully, my parents were still at the hospital and Brad's parents were very close by.

I was devastated when the doctor said that this was it. They hooked me back up to fluids and magnesium and brought in the anesthesiologist. I wasn't ready. Brad wasn't ready. We still thought we had more time, but time was up. Now I had a job to do - deliver my babies.

Time to get started!

At 7:12 pm, Dr. Alderman placed our little Poppy Jean on my chest. I heard her cry and right then I knew she'd survive. The NICU nurses gently whisked her away for her special care and she was gone. I had to focus on my next task - deliver Spyder.

Brad and Poppy

At 7:43 pm, after quite the difficult delivery, a nurse placed Spyder Blayne Conlin Deering on my chest as she listened for a heartbeat - 60 beats per minute - he was alive!

Holding Spyder for the first time

Spyder and his daddy

In the reading I had done, mothers were known to feel happiness, anxiety, fear, or elation during delivery. I wondered how I would feel and was convinced that I would be in despair. But the moment the nurse laid Spyder on me, I was overcome with a beautiful joy. I finally met my son. Brad met his son and would get to hold him while he was living. I felt an instant connection to Spyder and I felt like I finally had my family.

In the hours to come I went on an unexplainable emotional journey. I felt things I never felt before. Everything peaked when I was holding Poppy and Spyder together with Brad next to me and we watched as Poppy leaned her her head toward her brother. He was her comfort both in the womb and out. He always will be.

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