Welcome to the Blue Butterfly Blog

Thousands of families suffer in silence from the loss of a pregnancy or an infant. My struggle is just beginning. I carried twins to term knowing that only one would survive. This is the story of my journey through shock, devastation, grief, anger, and hopefully someday acceptance. I know that other families are desperate to know that they are not suffering alone. This is for them.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

Last night was another sleepless hospital night, when I lay thinking about my poor Spyder. Every day and night is getting worse as his imminent birth and death gets closer and more real in my mind. Each contraction is a reminder that I don't have much more time with him.

I also worry about Poppy. The doctors and nurses say that her survival chances are very good, over 90 percent now, and it's not really a matter of whether she'll make it. But, I can no longer believe in the power of statistics and chance. This pregnancy has defied all the odds and shown me that truly anything can happen to anyone no matter how healthy or dedicated you try to be. 

So I wait here in anxious anguish, worrying and wondering what will come next.

For the first time overnight, this question came to my mind: If I knew before I got pregnant what would happen with Spyder, early labor, weeks of contractions, and the potential for Poppy to spend months in the NICU, would I still proceed?

The right answer is yes, and I wish that was the unrivaled answer that I could give. But the truth is, I don't know. All a potential mother wants is a healthy, happy child. I can deal with the labor and the contractions, but I cannot cope with putting my babies through any sort of pain. No one knows exactly what Spyder will feel when he's born, but it won't be good. Poppy will be hooked to a feeding tube and monitors for weeks, if not months. Even if she grows to be a strong girl, research points to the idea that surviving twins feel the absence of their lost sibling. Will she always feel incomplete?

I love my babies more than I knew possible. Having grown with them for the past (almost) 8 months, I wouldn't trade them for the world. Poppy is playing kickball with Spyder's head as I type! But, I wish they didn't have to suffer any pain or trauma. I wish our families were spared the sadness and worry that we're all feeling. Still, this is what makes us all stronger, and this is what writes our story. As scary and tragic as it is, this is real life.


  1. Your babies are in my prayers. Your family is in my prayers. Your peace is in my prayers. Lean on those that love you during this very trying time. Whether you realize it or not you are inspiring to others and your honesty is humbling.

  2. Lindsay,

    You are in my thoughts as you go through this difficult time. I want to thank you for your candor and honesty about this painful time. There is no doubt that your bravery is going to provide comfort, understanding and clarity to other scared women. You are showing the reality of why having a choice is so important. As difficult as it's going to be to go on with only Poppy you can all focus on living your lives in honor of Spyder. He won't be able to physically experience life, but he will experience everything through Poppy. I wish for you, your husband, and Poppy continued strength and courage. ~Danielle Curry (Goldston)