Welcome to the Blue Butterfly Blog

Thousands of families suffer in silence from the loss of a pregnancy or an infant. My struggle is just beginning. I carried twins to term knowing that only one would survive. This is the story of my journey through shock, devastation, grief, anger, and hopefully someday acceptance. I know that other families are desperate to know that they are not suffering alone. This is for them.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Something So Beautiful

I know I'll never be ready for what is going to happen to Spyder. I don't understand how something so beautiful can have something so fatally wrong going on inside.

My Little Spyder's Face

He looks so much like a healthy baby. In this picture, you can see his eyes, nose, and mouth. Nothing looks wrong; it all looks perfect.

But, all of the doctors know he won't survive. They have told me that they will deliver him regardless of his position, which at this time is oblique - pretty much laying across the top of my belly. Their priority is my health, not his. As a mother, how can I allow that? I would sacrifice everything for him. But they won't let me.

I cannot express how much I want him to be born alive.

I want him to feel our touch and I want to feel his. But, really, I want Brad to get to hold him. I have had the past 30 weeks with the little guy, and Brad has only gotten to see images of him. Brad needs to get to connect to his son and hold him and know that he's real. I hope he gets that chance.


  1. Lindsay, I am a friend of Dave Pappas and silvered your blog through him. I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. I can not imagine the flood of emotions that are coursing through you day to day and I pray that no matter what, God will bring peace to you and your family.

    Keep writing!

    Prayers <3

  2. Lindsay,
    I have been thinking of you many times a day, now for weeks,
    and praying for the most ultimate health of Poppy and Spyder,
    for your bravery and emotional health, for Brad's strength,
    and for the true knowledge and performance of your team of
    Drs. and nurses, but mostly I imagine God's white, healing light
    bathing the three of you 24/7. I have felt the warmth of that
    light myself as I used reiki sessions to conquer an illness.
    If you have any acquaintances with a reiki provider, or can get
    one through hospital connections, I would highly recommend that.
    Love you,
    Candy Peck