Welcome to the Blue Butterfly Blog

Thousands of families suffer in silence from the loss of a pregnancy or an infant. My struggle is just beginning. I carried twins to term knowing that only one would survive. This is the story of my journey through shock, devastation, grief, anger, and hopefully someday acceptance. I know that other families are desperate to know that they are not suffering alone. This is for them.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Moving Forward

There comes a day when you finally begin to move forward from a great loss. I haven't yet reached that day.

It was three weeks yesterday since the twins were born. For three weeks, Poppy has been a pampered Grant Medical Center NICU resident. For three weeks, I have missed the feeling of holding my little son. For three weeks, I've wondered when things will get better.

Yesterday a representative from my doctor's office called to do a postpartum survey. She asked about the babies' names, whether I'm breastfeeding, and if I've suffered from any depression. I answered, "Well, my son died and my daughter's in the NICU, so I can't really tell. But, I still get out of bed in the morning, so I guess I'm doing as well as I can." I got the response I'm becoming accustomed to: silence followed by "Oh, I'm so sorry."

I still cry everyday. I think about Poppy growing up without her brother, and I can't help but wonder how she will feel about being the "surviving twin." For now, I can vividly remember the warmth of Spyder's body as I held him close to my heart, but I am terrified that someday I will forget how that felt. I stare at his picture and wish I would know what he would look like when he grew up. There are so many ways in which I am sad.

But, sometimes, my tears are happy ones. Poppy is healthy and happy and developing beautifully and safely even if she isn't at home. Her nurses and doctors take excellent care of her. I can hold her close to me whenever I want (or whenever Brad will surrender her!). And I will know what Spyder would have looked like - there is so much of him in his sister. He will live through her and her story.

Often, we can see Spyder's face in Poppy's.

Maybe there isn't a day when you suddenly decide you can move forward with your life. Maybe it is a process - a long, dichotomous process filled with peaks and valleys on which you someday look back and see how far you've come.


  1. My sister in law found your blog and called me. I have been struggling with these same questions about my son Hayden, also the surviving twin. I had Kyla and Hayden at 27 weeks. Reading your blog has let me know all these feelings and emotions are ok, and I'm not alone. If you would like to further contact me my email is Carisa.trent@yahoo.com.

  2. I can not imagine your suffering...I know how we felt and cried going through our story. I have read through your blog and had a hard time reading though the tears. Even though it is hard to see why things happen we must always believe that god has a plan...not our plan...but his perfect wonderful plan...somehow your story will glorify god...somehow spyders life with help someone...god is good all the time...he never makes a mistake. I will be praying for peace for you...for healing for your family...and a happy beautiful life for your little beautiful angel poppy...god bless