Welcome to the Blue Butterfly Blog

Thousands of families suffer in silence from the loss of a pregnancy or an infant. My struggle is just beginning. I carried twins to term knowing that only one would survive. This is the story of my journey through shock, devastation, grief, anger, and hopefully someday acceptance. I know that other families are desperate to know that they are not suffering alone. This is for them.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

There’s Always Something to be Thankful For

Today is Thanksgiving. It’s a day when you get together with family and eat until you can barely get yourself to the couch to watch football. Ideally, you also take the time to count your blessings.

The Belly Gets Stuffed!

Until now, I have been rather sheltered from the ways of the world. Tragedy had yet to strike. My family is healthy and happy and we still enjoy the times we share together. I have always known how lucky I was and Thanksgiving was always a good time to reflect upon that.

Today, it would be really easy to feel sorry for myself. And yes, I let that sneak in just a little bit ago. But, I actually have so much to be thankful for.

I had gotten frustrated to the point where I was pretty sure we’d never conceive children of our own. I was researching adoption agencies, examining our savings account, and talking to those people I know who completed their families by taking in a child in need. Brad and I knew that we could love an adopted baby as much as our biological own. And then it happened, those two little pink lines. After the initial terror of what was really happening wore off, we were ecstatic. Then the second shock –  “you’ve got two in there!”

I would not trade one single moment of this crazy pregnancy. Yes, I would give every worldly possession, experience, and piece of my being for both of my children to be healthy, but I know I cannot.  I admit I have wondered if things would be better if I was a singleton with just one healthy baby brooding in me, but then I would never know my son.

Let me explain why this painful experience is also so beautiful.

Brad and I got to pick names for our babies. Our little girl is Poppy Jean – Poppy from my great-grandfather and Jean from Brad’s grandma. For our tiny boy, we chose a name that represented us and his purpose in the world. He is Spyder Blayne Conlin Deering. You don’t have to like it, but Spyder has real meaning to us, and you understand that if you have spent any time with us in the woods! Blayne means twin in some etymology, and Conlin represents the fact that he is our little hero. So now we have Poppy and Spyder.

Yesterday, we had our bi-weekly ultrasound with Debbie, who has to be the best of the best, to check on Poppy and make sure that the risk of early labor is still not elevated. While examining Spyder’s profile, he displayed a yawn right on the computer screen. And Debbie caught in on video! Just seeing his little mouth open and tongue stick out like a newborn baby made me know that my son is real, alive, and having experiences, whether he’ll ever know it or not.

Then it was Poppy’s turn to show off. As we looked at Spyder’s curved little legs, Poppy’s leg came swiftly into view and gave Spyder a hefty kick. We could not help but laugh – Debbie included. I might never get to yell at them for such behavior as children, but right now I know they are a very typical brother and sister.

Finally, I would be more than remiss to neglect thanking all of you. I have heard from so many people, and I know it takes courage to overcome the discomfort of an awkward situation and the distance that time creates. But, every set of eyes on this blog, every message in my Facebook inbox, and every note of encouragement is a gift. Every prayer uttered, tear shared, and positive vibe sent is like another pair of hands leading Brad and me out of the darkness that is our despair and into the light of the future, showing us that we truly can be thankful.

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