Welcome to the Blue Butterfly Blog

Thousands of families suffer in silence from the loss of a pregnancy or an infant. My struggle is just beginning. I carried twins to term knowing that only one would survive. This is the story of my journey through shock, devastation, grief, anger, and hopefully someday acceptance. I know that other families are desperate to know that they are not suffering alone. This is for them.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Butterfly

In many cultures, the butterfly is a symbol of fertility. Some would say that you become pregnant by swallowing the essence of a butterfly. Others believe that butterflies provide the luck that is needed to conceive. To me, butterflies encompass all things beautiful in this world. They are free, fluttering, and individual.

Take this photo for example. On a warm summer day, my husband and I came upon this blue common buckeye butterfly gliding and sunning with its more typical counterpart. We were struck by it.

By this time, we knew we were pregnant with twins. The individuality of these two insects so closely related hit close to our hearts. Our little ones would be siblings, but each would have his or her own little personality, passions, and potential.

It was two more glorious months before we knew that our little blue butterfly would not fly on through his life.

Right now, the butterflies that I know come in the form of little kicks and twists inside my belly as my babies practice for their lives outside the womb. My son and daughter flutter as if they are both healthy and preparing for the world. But, this is not the case. 

We will lose our baby boy. My husband and I are waiting for his birth and death like a butterfly awaits the first murderous frost. This is our story. This is our journey as we carry our twins to term, knowing only one will be coming home with us. I am not writing for pity or to make readers feel sad. I am writing in hopes that there are mothers and fathers who understand our devastation and might find some comfort in knowing that they are not alone - no matter how desolate they feel.


  1. I remember releasing butterflies at your wedding; it was beautiful. I'm sure your words will be a gift of comfort to many. Thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.

  2. You and your story are truly beautiful and incredibly sad. I only wish I had the strength to do this when my son passed. It is amazing how writing can be theraputic and painful at the same time. Only you and your husband know how this really feels. But I thank you for sharing your story with us.

  3. What a courageous story, Lindsay. I'm speechless at your story and your strength to write. I'm so confused, though, why. My prayers and rights are with you both.