Welcome to the Blue Butterfly Blog

Thousands of families suffer in silence from the loss of a pregnancy or an infant. My struggle is just beginning. I carried twins to term knowing that only one would survive. This is the story of my journey through shock, devastation, grief, anger, and hopefully someday acceptance. I know that other families are desperate to know that they are not suffering alone. This is for them.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Breast Conundrum

"You're not healing correctly." This is not what I wanted to hear from my OB at my postpartum appointment, though I was not surprised. Spyder definitely left his mark on my delivery. I will spare you the details, but I am not recovering as well as I should and it's been seven weeks. In fact, if things don't improve, I may need a procedure to make some repairs.
Here is part of the issue. Breastfeeding lowers the amount of estrogen in your body. Estrogen is needed to heal what I need healed. Adding an estrogen pill would decrease my already scant milk supply. Using a medicine to help the milk supply would do nothing to help fix me. So what do I do?

I wanted so badly to nurse Poppy to give her the best possible start. But, with her being a NICU baby, and with the almost unbearable stress of losing Spyder, neither she nor I ever caught on to true breastfeeding. I have been trying to supply her with expressed milk, but she gets maybe one bottle a day from me, and even that gets fortified with formula.

Also, I really want to feel better. I want to be able to carry her around the house without wincing. I need to be able to stand in place for more than two minutes or sit on my office chair for more than five.

I feel terribly torn between what is best for Poppy and what is good for me.

On a lighter note, today, March 14th, is National Save a Spider Day - the arachnid kind of course! I hope you did your part to thank nature's insect control specialists!


  1. Dear Lindsay,
    Yeah, Spider Day! I didn't know that! I have
    known Mar. 14 (3/14) as pi day! Maybe as Poppy gets to be a toddler/preschooler you could bake a cake tog. on this day!
    Breastfeeding - for some reason I never wanted to do it or even considered it. That left room for lots of other people to share in the feeding of the girls, and less body stuff to deal w/for me, Sarah was an emergency C-section.
    My own opinion would be to care for yourself
    medically, so you can be that much stronger for
    Love, Candy
    p.s. I sent Poppy something this week!

  2. Hi Lindsay - Brad told Dan about your blog and he told me. I wanted to say how glad I am that you guys are getting help from family in taking care of Poppy. When I went back to work after Liam, leaving him with someone was near to impossible (and that someone was my sister in law, so I can't imagine if it were a stranger!) I'm sorry breastfeeding is not going the way you'd hoped. I was amazed by the guilt that occurred after it wasn't as "easy" as I thought it was going to be. There's a website (don't worry - it's not about how to breastfeed better or as I like to call it 'you're doing it wrong/not trying hard enough!') of personal stories submitted by women about how they fed or feed their babies. It may not be helpful to you but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in grappling with these thoughts & feelings. (feedingthebaby.tumblr.com) My best to you & your family!

  3. Lindsay, I am an old Lactation Consultant. I worked as a Labor and Delivery Nurse for 25 years and then did home visitation to new moms and babies for many years after that.
    You should feel good, proud of all the effort and good milk you have been able to provide for Poppy.
    But, in my opinion, you need to do what is best for you. You need to heal....physically and emotionally. All breastmilk is good....it's all good. You have given a very special and important part of yourself for almost two months.
    Give yourself permission to heal, to mourn and rejoice in the best start possible for Poppy.
    BTW, my new granddaughter has the middle name of Poppy.
    Best of luck to you.